Lasting

It's a bittersweet beginning

if you keep the past too close.

It's a way to keep from ending,

someone that you chose.

I'm not saying I don't love you,

you are always in my heart,

I love to hear your voice

and imagine you with me

but whenever we part again

I feel

tearing, pulling, tugging, leaving

Everytime you go

its as bad as the first

crushing, hurting, sobbing, fearing

That this might be the last time

this might be the last time

I want you to go out and live

Don't get stuck here left with me

I want to be able to leave this place

without sacrificing your sacrifice.

don't you see I want you happy?

don't you see I have no choice?

your my only, my baby,

my jealous boy.

but whenever we part again

I feel

tearing, pulling, tugging, leaving

Everytime you go

its as bad as the first

crushing, hurting, sobbing, fearing

That this might be the last time

this might be the last time

Graduation?

Left alone.  As everyone moves away I feel the need to hold everyone closer; too close perhaps as I drown them in my static-cling.  I hope its clear that I love them, not only the selfishness of the strength in my arms hugging them close.  Mind's are past me and so I grab the physical essence with all my strength.  Yet as I clutch at these fleeing stars, I lose my hold on things not yet past me.  No longer can she relate to my pain nor I to hers.  I grow as they pull and stretch me, ready to shoot back to the ground like a rubber band, whereas she seems to be filling herself with the toxins that make you old, create the age, a means of escape until the pressure pops and she has a hole.  I'll be left stretched and in pain, but at least I'll be whole.  Do I envy you?  Do I envy your ability to help yourself even if it kills you?  Do you ever envy me?  For my lack of angst, for my childish needing?  Well as they zoom off into their glorious futures, I wonder if its worth it.  To attach myself to stars.  Do I want the freedom to fly?  The pain of someone else's reaching arms.  The pain of being free.

Obsession

I can't help it, 

I don't know why, 

but you've got me 

going crazy, dancing circles.

You don't see me, 

just a hug in passing, 

but the world you've built, 

the one crumbling down around me, 

is beautiful and I never want to leave.

I'm driving towards the sky

and I know there is a limit

but you've made it go clear

yet I'm willing to crash.

I know that as I fall back to earth

you wont be waiting

but that doesn't stop me now.

You're the one helping me thrive:

the one keeping me alive

as I jump past sanity in a whirl.

To stay awake

I think of you, of you kissing me.

and I know it wont happen

you don't want anything serious

but then why did you start at all?

Sometimes you make me feel

like an experiment,

to test your ability.

I am the prisoner but I don't care.

If you hurt me, it's my fault:

I'm the one who got attached,

you're the one who warned me.

But you once hoped I'd meet

someone who made me as happy

as I make you.

Guess what, I have.

Will you be mine?

Fleeting Colors

We're constantly searching for colors in our world and we find them in the fleeting traces of nature: the inspiration of a rainbow, a sunset.  do we ever find the glory of the sun at noon worthy of a picture or a drawing?  No.  the sun at noon is quite like the sun the rest of the day.

no need to celebrate mundaneness.  

Perhaps that's why the life of school and homework seems so unimportant, we live them for most of our awareness.  School will be a treat when we no longer have to learn everyday.  No wonder people look at us like we're stupid when we say school is boring; we have the opportunities that stop existing; we throw away knowledge that we will long to remember.

Cherishing the ride on the bus I take a moment to ponder the way we describe our lives: the disinterest, the regret.  We find interesting the things we'll deal with forever-we don't appreciate what's fleeting.  

If all we've ever seen is the beauty of the sunrise, how can we delight in it?  How can those in the day remember the need to see the full sun?  We long for the colors we cannot see-for the time that is not ours.

Pathetic Fallacy

Today the sky attempted to rain.

The winter of San Francisco has set in and is freezing us all with these not-so-low lows and the pending doom looms over.  It didn't actually rain; there were drops falling from the sky but never in large quantities.  Drops of issues are showing the way that the heavens are going to open up and dump on us but not yet.  For now we only get the crummy feeling that we can't quite run from.

Why is it that cold days represent bad moods and sunny days are happy?  Why is it ironic to be sad on a golden day and happy when its gray?  I want to dance through the fog and cry in the park-emotions aren't controlled by the scenery but we notice what we are feeling.

ok we all have issues.  we all are going to have problems with each other once in a while.  But telling someone you were ticked off at them without giving them a reason why is not going to help the problem.  Either this is something you want to fix, and we can work together on it, or you are letting this die because I am willing to help and you are the one killing that possibility.

Forgotten

Pictures in a lost photo album, music left undiscovered in a stack of old cd's, a performer hidden from the spotlight, a friend standing across the room with no one noticing...

I'm not sure if I'm feeling forgotten right now or just misplaced-maybe I'll be found soon.  Lately I've been finding all these things in my house, like these photo albums my mom made while i was growing up.  In all the pictures I look so happy.  Of course i also look completely ridiculous but it doesn't seem to matter.  

Now everything has consequences that don't always make sense-she's annoyed because I went home sick, he's being mean to me so that he'll like another girl...and somehow in the midst of it, I can tell that I lose myself.  Even when I just want to be happy about something, some part of my brain is trying to figure out everything else that is going on.  With this reasoning, I'm always being left out of something: mainly things I don't even want to do.   The problem is that the people I would want to be talking to have managed to find other friends and not be so dependent-they have figured out how to be fine without talking to me and I don't want to be the one dragging down their happiness.  It's nothing I can be mad at anyone for, especially since I'm sure I've missed someone feeling this way before.  In turn it makes me a worse friend because I become self-involved and notice my own complaints rather than listening to what people have to say.  The only time I feel truly myself and with other people is when I'm on stage being someone else completely.  Constantly performing as myself, I can never find the right lines or meaning.